The Depths of Despair

At the end of August our church leaders asked us to fast and pray for rain. It had been a very hot summer with little rain. The area had very strict water restrictions, the lakes were drying up, the plants were drying up, the people were drying up...well maybe not the people, but it was hot and miserable. So our family, along with many other families, fasted and prayed for rain. A few days later the rain started falling, not a heavy downpour, but a gentle, steady soaking. Everyone was so grateful. I normally love the rain, but I started to have trouble coping with my days with the steady stream of rain.

A few weeks into the almost constant stream of rain, a friend of mine from church passed away. She was young, had a loving husband and three young children. It was a sad time for everyone. I was sad, I ached for her family, I also wondered why it could not have been me. I told my husband I was envious. She didn't suffer long, she thought she had the flu and that it would get better soon. She went to bed one night, had a seizure and never woke up. That's what I wanted to do. Go to bed and never wake up. Now I am not suggesting that that was the best thing for her family, I know they are sad and greiving the loss.

I honestly felt like if that happened to me, that would be a good thing for my husband and children. Maybe Gary could find a girl that would love my children, that she would be happy and enjoy this life like Gary does. Maybe my children would have a mom that would have lots of energy, want to do fun things, like to go out and do things and have adventures. Maybe they would have a mom that wasn't sad all the time.

The rain was still falling and I was falling deeper and deeper into a state of depression. I was decorating my house, I wanted it to be clean and organized and pretty. I wanted my husband and children to enjoy the home they were living in. I was even excited enough to invite people over to see what I had been working on. The closer it came to the actual day, I could hardly get out of bed. My kids loved the decorating and organization, but they didn't see the reason to maintain it. I was discouraged and didn't see the need either. I just felt like sleeping all day. I cancelled the lunch that I had invited people to.

I signed up for an oil painting class. I was hoping that would give me something to look forward to. I started dreading the class, because it was so much effort to get out of bed, get dressed, be prepared for class, and then my pictures weren't perfect so I got even more discouraged.

The rain was still falling and I had hit rock bottom. Simple things like taking a shower were too much of an effort. I would get up, get my kids out the door to school and then go back to bed. They would come home in the afternoon and I was still asleep. The sadness and loneliness were almost unbearable and I was still hoping that I would fall asleep and never wake up. Gary would come home at night, nothing had been done all day, there was no dinner on the table and I would be sitting in a chair in my room barely able to communicate except with a nod or shake of the head.

Everyone was so excited about the weather. It had started to get cooler outside. Fall had arrived. Everyone seems to love fall. I don't love fall. I want to love fall, I want to enjoy the new season, the holidays that are coming. Fall makes me sad. I don't know why, I used to love fall, but now it makes me sad.

I am blessed that I have a husband who supports me even when I have hit the bottom. He doesn't get mad when he comes home to a messy house and no dinner. He just does what he can to help out. I'm sure sometimes he wonders why he has a wife that cannot enjoy life. He offers suggestions that I never take, but I know that he loves me because he keeps coming home every night.

I have a good doctor that helps to adjust my medicine, I have a good therapist that trys to help me adjust my thinking. The medicine is easy, but I haven't learned how to turn off the recording in my head that tells me all day every day that I am stupid, lazy, fat, worthless, that life would be better for everyone if I just disappeared. I am working on that, but it's hard to change the way you talk to yourself and the things that I hear me saying are not nice. I would never say them to someone else.

Last week I woke up one day and didn't feel like going back to bed. I had the urge to tackle a project. I didn't do anything that day, but I felt encouraged by that feeling. I still have very low energy and sometimes I go back to bed. Gary has noticed a difference though. I smile more, I talk more, I even paid the bills last week.

When my sister had breast cancer, everyone rallied around her. She received letters, cards, meals, hugs. She had the support she needed, everyone was praying for her and her family. She loved people, she loved attention, it was so fitting that she had a disease that was out in the open for everyone to see. I am so grateful she had that comfort and support. When you have depression you suffer in silence most of the time. I try to put on a brave face when I go out. If someone asks how I'm doing, I usually say I'm fine. I don't like to draw attention to myself. I will say hi to someone, but I don't usually go out of my way to carry on a conversation with someone. If I do, I usually run the whole conversation over in my mind the rest of the day, trying to figure out if I said anything to offend. It is also fitting that I have a disease like depression. If you're really good at hiding things, no one knows you even suffer.

I feel like the sun is starting to peek through the clouds again. I feel better, I might even get up and do something (or maybe I'll wait until tomorrow). I still sometimes wish that I could go to sleep and never wake up, but not all the time. Small improvements are good.

Depression is hard to live with. I want to have friends, I want to have fun but rarely do I have the energy at the end of the day to do things. I have a friend that invites me to do things. Even though I usually say no, she hasn't stopped inviting me. I'm really grateful. It gives that negative thought in my head something to think about. I don't think it is easy to like someone that has depression. We are such downers. Everyday I wonder when it will go away. Is this just the trial I have to go through? Will I ever be able to enjoy life? Will I ever see the joy in the change of seasons? Will I look forward to Christmas? I hope so. I guess for now, I will look for the small improvements every day.

If you know someone with depression, go give them a hug. They won't tell you they need one, but they are probably telling themselves that they are a loser and no one would want to be their friend. Maybe your hug will be the thing that gives them courage to stick around for another day.

Luncheon Postponed

I signed up for an art class on Wednesdays and then realized I had planned a lunch on the same day that the class is. I am going to postpone the lunch for another day. Have a great week.

My Visiting Teacher

Last week I had a visit from my visiting teacher. She dropped by to bring me a gift from her trip to Brazil. It was a beautiful hand-painted, hand-crocheted dish cloth. The colors matched my home and personality perfectly. I loved it...it was way too pretty to use as a dishcloth. I have been trying to decide to either frame it or hang it on a hook.

We talked for a few minutes about her trip, her children and if I was doing okay. She was sorry that she hadn't been a better visiting teacher and that she would do better now that summer was over. We talked about getting our families together in a week or two for dinner. Then we said our goodbyes

This friend visited me in the hospital when I was sick. She has invited me to breakfast and lunch. She has visited me many times and always shared her sweet spirit with me. Her husband was our home teacher for a while. He came faithfully every month. He always shared a wonderful lesson with us. Sometimes he shared his wife's wonderful treats with us. It was fun getting to know this wonderful family.

I taught her son in primary. He was quiet, but confident. What stood out the most to me was his beautiful voice. I loved listening to him sing the primary songs. I was anxious to meet the parents of this 10 year old boy. I knew they would be amazing.

Last week my friend had the flu. Her children were also sick, so I'm sure she spent a lot of time nurturing her children even though she didn't feel well. The flu seemed to linger in their home for a long time. Then I heard that my friend had suffered a seizure and was in the hospital. My friend lost her battle with this unknown illness and passed away yesterday. She leaves behind a heartbroken husband, three children and lots of family. She also leaves behind a lot of friends that were blessed to know her.

Estela, you will be missed. It doesn't seem right that such a wonderful wife, mother, daughter and friend should leave us so early. I can only imagine that Heavenly Father must need strong, faithful women on the other side. We will watch over your family here. What a privilege that will be. We love you Estela.

Don't Jump!!!

Jared decided to jump from the balcony at the beach house. Da dum...da dum...da dum (suspenseful music)...

It did not end well.

Hey Jared...jumping off a balcony can be quite fun, but that sudden stop will get you every time!

My kids are so creative!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Ahhh...all is right in my world again. My kiddos are back in school and my house is now returning to a quiet and peaceful retreat for mom (well for a few hours anyway). The first week of school has gone well. We only lost one child, missed one breakfast (and lunch, because someone in the family was being very slow) and only waited in car line for 1 hour the first day of school. I think that's a pretty impressive way to start off the year!

Here's the first day of school picture. I had to get them in stages.

Carson was very excited to ride the bus and see all of his friends at school. He had a very great day and enjoyed every minute.

Emily and Carson on the first day of school. Emily had a great day and likes her teachers. One of her teachers is her friends mom. That was very exciting for her.

The big kids Chris, Jared, and Kinsey. They all had a great first day also. They like their teachers and seem to be excited (as excited as a kid can get) about school this year. This is Kinsey's first year of high school and seminary. She loves dance, art, and french class. Jared is trying out for the football team ( I have already worried about him breaking his neck and being in a wheel chair for the rest of his life). This is Chris' last year of high school (I can't believe I am old enough to have a senior). He is hoping to get his driver's license and eagle project done. Right now he is enjoying marching band season and Friday night football.

Shhh...can I tell you a secret? It is awfully quiet around here and I do enjoy it, but sometimes I miss not having them around. I fill my time with things to do around the house. My goal is to have the house put together, organized and decorated by the end of 2009. I want to start the new decade with a clean slate. What do you think...is it possible?

Awwwww....you missed me!

Well, Jeannie missed me anyway. It feels so good to be missed. I didn't think anyone ever missed me. Thanks Jeannie. Yes...I have been feeling sorry for myself lately. Poor me, I have no friends.

Okay...enough of the sappy stuff. Where have I been? I have been at home making a giant mess while decorating my house and driving myself crazy. It all started when my friend Paula came into town. We were supposed to have a quiet weekend away from home...a girl's weekend away. Then we got this half-baked idea to go out shopping for stuff to decorate my home. It was lots of fun, we spent way too much money, and then I sort of lost my mind. She got bad news from home and had to leave a day early which gave us less time to actually put the stuff in the house. I am such a good friend! Instead of being there for her in her hour of need, all I could think of was wait, you can't leave, you have to decorate my home! We got lots done but didn't get finished. That left me to finish...{cue scary music!}

I have been working on it for a week. Has it been only a week? It feels like forever. I have been looking for the perfect ottoman. I found the perfect one at Restoration Hardware for only $1100. Ack! Needless to say, as patient as he has been all through this, Gary said heck no! He's so unreasonable! Sheesh! So, I have been searching the internet and stores all hours of the day and night. I found one at a furniture consignment shop and thought it would work. So I brought it home, moved it into the house and thought it was a little too tall. I got the brillant idea to take the legs off and it was perfect! I was so happy. Then Gary came home and he was less than excited about it. The room had clutter in it from the mess I had made and he couldn't see it. So then I sent a picture to my friend and she thought it was so so. She wasn't crazy about the color, thought it was too beige.

Later that night, as I sat in my chair unresponsive to outside stimulus, Gary could see I was about to crack. He took matters into his own hands and called a decorator and asked if she could come over stat because his wife was slowly losing her mind. I love my husband...he could see I was slowly headed to lala land and so he called a decorator. What a man! She came over today. I love what she did. She even gave me compliments on the things that I had bought...on...my...own! I have enough stuff to decorate five homes but have never used and she used a lot of it. What a relief!

Anyway... here are the pictures. I wish I had before pictures but I forgot to do that. What do you think?

My family room with the main focus being the fireplace instead of the TV. Carson thinks the main focus should be the TV though. That is his permanent spot.

Another view of the family room. Look, Carson is still in the same spot!

My wonderful fireplace. Don't you just love it?



This is the living room. I still have a few things to do in here, but it is such an improvement over what it was!

So, now I want people over so I am having a open house/come tell me what you think luncheon on Wednesday, Sept. 16th at 11:00 am. Please say you'll come (and that you'll bring some luncheon item to share). I know that is tacky, but if I try to do all the food by myself I'll crack. Let me know if you can come. It will be fun...there might even be chocolate!

I Tried Jumping Into Life...

I suggested that everyone should jump into life and enjoy it. I tried to follow my own advice when we were at the beach, but I've decided I am just plain old dull and boring. I tell myself every year that this will be the year that I spend every day frolicking on the beach (okay, I never frolic) but I will atleast go to the beach...in my bathing suit...and actually go into the water (shudder). I never do it and I am then mad at myself until the next year when I look out towards the beach, stick my foot out the door to see how hot it is (usually blazing), and decide that the best place to be is in the house with A/C, eating all the junk food. I then decide that maybe tomorrow I will put on a bathing suit. Probably not though because...well, it just ain't pretty. Then the cycle starts over and I am mad at myself for yet another year!

I did manage to go out of the house one day for our annual family picture. We took a very nice picture except I had to kneel down in the sand and water because Carson was freaking out (I know there he is looking like an angel). We took pictures with all of us wearing the Lori Udy's (my sister) 5K run/walk t-shirt.

After the whole family picture we took our little family picture. It only took 7 tries to get two good (good for us) pictures:

Then we decided to do the jumping pictures. Let me just say that Lori made it look so easy, but jumping is not an easy thing to do and...well, just take a look:

Boys Jumping...Take 1

Boys Jumping...Take 2

Boys Jumping...Take 3

Boys Jumping...Take 4

and we have a winner!!!

Girls Jumping...Take 1

and we have a winner!!!

Dad, Mom, and Carson Jumping: Take 1

Dad, Mom and Carson Jumping: Take 2

Dad, Mom, and Carson Jumping: Take 3

This was when we decided we are just too old for this stuff. Do you see me trying to lift my body off the steps? It's hard work...so hard that the only way Gary could do it was sticking out his tongue. The first jump we didn't get Carson far enough up and he scratched his foot on the steps. The second jump I am really trying to jump high and Gary missed the "jump" part of ready, set, jump by a split second. The third jump we jumped so fast we were a blur (ha!) Then Chris and Emily stepped in to help their old mom and dad out. Chris was so busy trying to help Carson that he forgot to jump, but look at the pure joy on Carson's face. He knows how to jump into life and enjoy.

The moral of the story? Enjoy life, but do it the way you enjoy doing it, not the way someone else enjoys it.

The End