My Life Purpose Stinks

Last night Carson came into my room saying "ow" and holding out his hand. My job in that situation is to kiss it and make it better so I did. As I was kissing the injured finger I got a whiff of poop. Oh, and did I mention that when he came into my room with his injured finger he was completely naked?! I quickly came to the conclusion that the naked boy and poop smell were a cause for alarm so I sent Carson to the bathroom and asked him what he did with his clothes. He doesn't speak very clearly but from the inflection in his voice I determined that he said "I dunno!" So off I went on a hunt through the house looking for clothes with poop on them. I found them upstairs in the bathroom. Phew! No poop stains or smears anywhere but the bathroom. Bless his heart, he had tried to clean up his mess. He had swished his poopy underwear in the toilet just like his mommy does (because I have a voice running through my head that sounds an awful lot like my husband that says we can't throw away those underwear we must wash them!) It made me smile to think of how thoughtful Carson was to clean up his own mess......until I realized that the little hand I had just kissed had been swishing poopy underwear in the toilet only moments before it touched my lips. That's when it hit me. I have been wiping poop from bottoms for over 18 years. That is my purpose in life...to wipe bottoms. I just have to say...my purpose in life stinks!!

Happy Anniversary Rico

This is my first husband. His name was Rico Suave. Tragically, he disappeared in a shaving accident soon after we were married. He was such a romantic, always bringing me flowers and cards, taking me to Broadway plays where we sat right up front, taking me out on dates. We were so happy.

I met Gary the day that Rico disappeared. They were so much alike except Gary didn't have a mustache and was much more practical. I was pregnant with Christopher at the time so it was very important to Gary that we save all of our money. No more dates, flowers or plays. He even decided that it would be a good idea to use the money his parents gave us as a wedding present (to go to Hawaii) to remodel our kitchen.

Sometimes, I think Rico has come back. Like one day Gary called just to see how I was doing. I was thinking "how sweet of him" when I heard the toilet flush. "Are you in the bathroom?!" Then he swept me off my feet when he said he thought he'd call while he was taking a potty break. "You know me...I just thought I'd kill 2 birds with one stone." No more romantic words have ever been spoken!

This past Monday we celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary. I have a vase full of beautiful yellow flowers sitting on my table and a nice card sitting by my bedside. The best present Gary gave me though, was when he said that I could sleep in while he got the kids ready for school. I have never received a nicer present. He even surprised me by letting me sleep in every day this week. I am so spoiled!!

Happy Anniversary Rico. I hardly missed you at all this year.

I Didn't Know He Got Shot That Soon

Friday night I walked into the living room just as Carson witnessed his very first assassination. Ghandi was shot while my cute little innocent boy watched. He did not protest as I rushed him out of the room while glaring at my husband. Carson was looking a little sleepy (or traumatized, I'm not sure which) so I got him ready for bed. He snuggled in bed while I rubbed his back and watched his cute little eyes roll up in his head and then close...for about 5 seconds. Apparently, that was enough sleep for him. Next thing I knew, he had crawled under the covers to the end of the bed, poked his little head out and said "hi mom"! I think someone put Red Bull in his juice! Within 5 minutes he had gone from snoozing to jumping and throwing himself onto the bed in fits of laughter. I finally had to resort to drastic measures. I put on my pjs, turned out the lights, and climbed into bed. So much for a little computer time, that kid had worn me out. While Ghandi blared in the background I bored him to sleep.

Monday To-do list: Get Gary and Chris' hearing checked. Throw out the TV. Find out what's in that juice.

Remember Who You Are

Dear Heavenly Father,

I'm angry today. It all started last night when I told Gary what he would be doing for the weekend and he said something like "if I had said that to you..." which of course is right, but how dare he call me on it. So, I quit talking to him for the rest of the night. I also did not fold his laundry! So there! This morning I woke up in a mood. A get-out-of-my-face-leave-me-alone-get-yourself-ready-for-school-or-else kind of mood. No one in this house gets my mood language though so after getting the kids on the bus I left. As I left, I asked Gary to please not lock the door when he left because I didn't have a key. He YELLED...JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, I'LL LEAVE THE BACK DOOR UNLOCKED. Thanks dear, now everyone in town knows our back door is unlocked. I went for a walk with my sansa clip playing Mercy River. Surely they could lighten my mood. Not today, so I got mad at them too and turned.them.off! I listened to Brad Paisley sing "Online" instead. Humph!

As I walked, I made a long mental list of why my life stinks. Count my blessings...hah! Counting life's gross injustices is so much better in these kinds of situations. I listed every bad thing I could think of from being depressed ALL MY LIFE to the fact that at one point I had red hair, freckles, glasses, aannnd braces all at the same time! Come on! Really?!! Some people had braces but were beautiful blonds, some had freckles but they were cute little ones right on top of the nose. Was it really necessary to put the top 4 curses of childhood all on one little body?! Then, the "cherry on top"?! Make her a social outcast and put her right smack dab in the middle of two beautiful and talented sisters! Not nice...not nice at all.

The next thing on my list? I am such a horrible person that no one even wants to be my friend. Why can't I have just one good friend? Someone that will go with me to the mall and tell me what not to wear?! I'm not asking to be popular just one good friend?! I mean, I know I'm cranky and sad all the time but isn't there one person that could love a grouch like me? Even Oscar (the grouch) and Eeyore (the donkey) have a few good friends. I know...to have a friend, you have to be a friend. Blah, blah, blah.

Couldn't I at least have a talent or two? I know I can paint, and sing, and play the piano. Everyone can do that though. I mean a really good talent. Something that would make people take notice and be amazed! My sisters have talents like that, why couldn't I?!

Oh, and while we are on the subject of me...couldn't I have a naturally fast metabolism? I want to eat chocolate and unhealthy food, not exercise, but still be skinny. Workout?! I don't want to have to workout! Can't you do this one thing for me? You know since You "shortchanged" me on everything else!

I also want to be the most spiritual woman at church. Praying and reading my scriptures? I have to do that? Why? Can't You just give me that knowledge? I pray sometimes, like right now when I'm angry. You want me to serve others?! Even Gary and the kids? Do you see how they treat me?! I don't see the point! I can see this little chat is getting me no where. I'll just go back to my list of why my life stinks. AMEN!

Dear Shanon,

Since you didn't take time to listen for an answer to your prayer, I will try to reach you some other way. Maybe while you are on Facebook, I can get your attention with the LDS Seminary link. There are a couple of good Mormon messages you need to hear.

I love you dear daughter of mine. Heavenly Father

I have no other words, except I am humbled and grateful.

The Lady of the House is Withdrawing

I went off all of my medicines.

Cold turkey.

You should never do that!

I know better!

I did it anyway.

I have been in a self-induced "detox" for 10 days now.

I have not laughed so much in years! That's great?! You're happy for me?! The problem is, the things I laugh at aren't funny! Your dog died? Funny! Your house burned down? Ha Ha! You fell and broke your leg? Hysterical! Car crashes? Stop it...you're killing me!

I now have a potty mouth! I can count on one hand (okay...maybe two) how many times I have said anything stronger than "darn" in my entire life! All of a sudden...my word...I'm startin' to talk like a sailor! Only in my head though. Oh...and the rant that Gary was so lucky to hear today when he called to say hi and ask if he could talk to Chris. "H*** no you can't talk to Chris...I am busy right now." I just know he is so happy to be married to such a sweet girl!

I can't stand the sight of....wait for it...CHOCOLATE! Yes, I said chocolate. The girl with the year's supply of chocolate cannot stand the sight of it. Emily made brownies for Mother's day. My brownie was still sitting there today and I finally gave it to the kids. I have had a MEDIUM size bag of M&Ms for over a week now. Two weeks ago, I would have inhaled those suckers in seconds! Good news, though, I've lost a few pounds!

Guess what I've been craving!! Go ahead...guess!! I can wait! Vegetables. Yes, VEGETABLES! I've eaten celery, carrots, potatoes, corn, onions, lettuce, beans....and I didn't even gag! I might have even liked them, but shhh don't tell Gary. Today I was looking for fruit to eat for a snack!

I think hell has frozen over! Darn!! There I go again! If you'll excuse me, I need to go wash my mouth out with soap!

PS Emily just came in and said "mom, do you remember when I had a urinal infection last year?" I was laughing so hysterically I couldn't even tell Gary the story. He didn't think it was that funny. Oh, well.

PSS I was not laughing that Emily had an infection, but that she called it a urinal infection.

PSSS You might want to stay as far away from me as possible this week.

PSSSS If I laugh at your tragedies please forgive me and know that I am crying on the inside.

Life Is Sacred

Ummm.....Should Wife Be Offended?

Location: The garage in husband and wife's new house in Texas

Background: Husband has done whatever he wants in the garage in the past four houses they have lived in. Wife always became frustrated when she needed something in the garage because husband's idea of organization is pile everything on shelves but not in any order so the "order" was undone every time something was needed. Wife was getting very annoyed.

Scene: Husband and wife disagreeing on how to organize the garage. Wife wants to go through everything in garage, throw out or give away stuff they don't need, put similar things together, find storage containers that those similar things will fit in, then build shelves according to size of container. Husband wants to put up a few shelves above garage door. He can't do anything in the garage until he puts up those shelves! Wife, who is extremely annoyed says fine, go ahead. So husband builds shelves. Then husband proceeds to put all of wife's organized boxes that were lined up neatly against wall on the shelves. He does not, however, put up any of his things that are piled up on the floor covering half of the garage. Wife is even more annoyed. Husband is happy because he finally built those shelves!

Months pass: Wife has brillant idea to organize the rest of the garage on the long Thanksgiving weekend. She thinks that surely they can get it done in the three days and still have Sunday to rest before going back to work. Wife thinks Thanksgiving dinner at Cracker Barrel is a good idea. CB cooks the food, family eats the food, CB cleans up the mess AND does the dishes. Husband thinks this is a great idea but thinks that he should still cook Thanksgiving dinner, then clean the kitchen, wake up early the next morning, go do Black Friday shopping, he'll be done early and then they can start working on the garage. Wife says that is starting a day and 1/2 late. Husband assures wife that they can still get it done.

Day 1: Nothing done on Thanksgiving day except cook, make a mess, eat, clean up mess, nap, watch football, eat some more, go to bed.

Day 2: Husband goes shopping, doesn't get home until afternoon, then they start on the garage. They empty out garage, start to decide what will be gotten rid of or given away, get done late at night, put everything back in garage. Wife reminds husband that they could have gotten more done if they had started sooner. Husband ignores wife.

Day 3: Wife threatens husband if he even dares think about making pancakes he's in trouble! Husband wisely chooses a quick bowl of cereal. They go outside and start to pull out everything again and start sorting it putting similar things together and trying to figure out a place to put everything and where to build shelves. They then start putting things in containers. Husband decides that before he can do anything else, he has to build himself a workbench so he runs out to Home Depot to get a few things. He comes back a LONG while later and they start building the workbench. They work well into the night, don't quite finish the workbench and then put everything back in the garage.

Day 4: Family goes to church and then decides to rest from their labors. Wife is a little annoyed that garage looks the same as it did when they started, but husband assures wife that he will work on it during the week and finish his workbench so they can finish garage.

Four months pass: Husband has what he has wanted since he first saw the garage. A few shelves above the garage door and a somewhat organized workbench. Wife, still, after 19 years of marriage opens the door and sees husband's tools neatly put on shelves above workbench. She also sees that after all that work she still cannot park in the garage because of all the yard tools, bikes, giant box of 1000s of baseball cards, and things that husband wants to sell at a garage sale (if he ever has one) STILL in the middle of garage.

Present: Conversation that occured on April 2, 2010

Wife needs her stuff down from the shelves because she is trying to get a scrapbook done of oldest son's scouting years together for his Eagle Court of Honor. She has been asking husband for atleast a month to please get stuff down.

Husband always says he'll do it tomorrow. Husband never does. Wife asks why he put all of her stuff that was stacked neatly along a wall up on the very high shelves instead of his stuff that is in the middle of the garage. Husband said it was easier to do her stuff (because it was stored neatly in plastic containers). Then he reminds wife that she has to admit that those containers have not been touched in two years.

Wife starts to raise her voice and says that he has not used some of his tools since he purchased a fixer-upper, spent hours and hours away from home to finish said house, while his wife was at home taking care of everything from finances to children 4 years ago. Wife then reminds him that his "investment" earned him about a penny a day for several months.

Husband reminds wife of how the market dropped and he was lucky he made any money at all.

Wife starts to get a little bit irrational and starts bringing up other things that husband does wrong like calling her during the day to give her a list of things she needs to get done. Something that annoys wife very much.

Someone mentions eternal marriage.

Wife asks husband if he is going to keep telling her what and how to do things for eternity?

Husband says that it is a blessing that he tells her what to do. We will only be able to take a few things with us when we die, one of them being the knowledge of how to work. He also says that he is hoping that one day wife will learn to do things on her own so that he won't have to keep telling her what to do.

Wife yells that she learned how to take care of the house, bills, children, and everything else while he was off earning pennies a day remodeling THAT house.

Husband says he thinks he will go find some work to do. Husband should probably sleep with one eye open for a few nights. Wife hopes husband has learned all he needs to learn because his life on earth may be shortened a bit.

Ahhhhh......Eternal Bliss


Update:

Wife discovers that writing it all out made her anger go away.

Husband says that this is a very interesting post and thinks wife should be happy since he gives her so much good material for her blog.

Wife smiles at husband but would rather have heard that he would finish the garage.

Husband is planning on sleeping with one eye open.

Wife thinks that's a wise choice for husband.