Only Floss the Teeth You Want To Keep

Gary decided the last week of school that he would make dental appointments for all of us. It may have been my fault because he caught me rubbing my jaw and asked if I had a sore tooth. I think I said something like my jaw keeps popping so I think I might have TMJ or a cavity that has gotten infected, which is slowing making it's way up to my brain and will probably kill me any day now. He told me I should make an appointment to see his dentist because he is a very nice man. I said no thank you I'd rather die of a brain infection than go see a dentist.

He took that to mean that he should make appointments for all of us. He set mine for 8:00 on a Monday morning. That right there tells me he doesn't love me. Who would set an appointment for someone they love on a Monday 8 am appointment? Hasn't he heard that song "Monday, Monday, can't trust that day?!" I went...against my better judgment.

The last time I went to the dentist, I had to have a cavity filled. I told them ahead of time that I get a little anxious as in shaking uncontrollably through the entire procedure at the dentist. They didn't seem to care although they did get me head phones so I could hear what was playing on the TV above my head. So while the dentist was drilling holes in my head while I shake uncontrollably I watch and listened as a crab was pecked to death by a seagull. Somehow that seemed symbolic. Everyone else tells me they get to watch shows like Full House, but not me. I guess the dentist thought the best way to deal with my anxiety was to show me that it could be worse...I could be pecked to death by a seagull. Being drilled to death by a dentist is a much better way to go!

So, I get my teeth squeaky clean with only a minimal amount of shaking. The dentist I go to always checks my blood pressure before he does anything. When they checked mine they said something like "whoa...did you take your medicine this morning?" When I said no they wanted to know if I had any with me. I didn't, but I told them not to worry because as soon as I leave this place it will be back to normal. The dentist came in and said "word on the street is that you get anxious at the dentist." Then he proceeded to tell me that I had two cavities that needed to be filled. "Don't worry though he says, I give great shots" I had even read a review about him on the internet and someone said "he gives great shots." None of that was comforting to me.

So, my appointment was set and I went back for my fillings. I think I may have said something like "I'm like a lamb off to the slaughter" when I said goodbye to Gary. This time I took my medicine but it didn't seem to help, my blood pressure was still way to high. They sit me in a chair in front of a TV that has the Today show playing. At that moment in the show there was a man being interviewed that had just been mauled by a bear. He had scars all over him and a patch over one eye. Then they warned us that some images might be disturbing as they showed what he looked like after the bear got him. Yeah, dentist man, that helps this over-anxious girl to feel calm before going under the drill.

So he came in gloating on his ability to give good shots, grabbed my cheek, stuck the needle in and yowza! He hit a nerve! He says yeah, that happens sometimes. Then he stuck the needle in again and hit the nerve again. Ouch! All this time it feels like there is an earthquake in his office because I am shaking so much. He keeps trying to comfort me by telling me that now that the shots are done nothing will hurt so I should just sit back and relax. Yeah...he doesn't know me very well. To his credit, he is one of the nicest dentists I have ever had. All the other dentists I've had just ignored my discomfort. The last one seemed to like to watch the seagull destroy the crab more than he liked watching what he was doing. This dentist took the time to tell me what he was doing, what it would sound like, and if I needed a break just let him know. Normally, I appreciate such kindness, but I have to admit I was thinking "just shut-up and get this done so I can get out of here." I survived, but now every time I fall asleep someone starts drilling on my teeth. I haven't had a good night's sleep since.

Oh, and to add insult to injury, Gary made appointments for everyone. I have been back and forth to that dentist for the past three weeks. Gary sure does know how to ruin a summer! One child had to have his wisdom teeth taken out, two have cavities, and one needs braces. The child that NEVER remembers to brush his teeth had no cavities. Is that fair?! Oh, and that jaw pain I was having? That's from clenching my teeth all the time. Apparently, I'm stressed. I wonder why?!

Naptime!

The other day when I was out getting the mail, my neighbor was finishing her run while pushing something similar to this (when I say similar, I mean it looked nothing like this except that it had a place for 6 babies to sit):

She has 5 children under the age of 3 and she was out jogging with them. She wasn't even huffing and puffing...she actually had a smile on her face like she was enjoying it. I said hi and then went back to my house. Just watching her made me tired. I have to climb several stairs to get to my front door. I was huffing and puffing when I came inside. I decided I should probably lay down and take a nap. Excercise sure is exhausting!

Public Service Announcement

One day you might wake up and decide that today will be the day that you clean your nasty bathroom. So you spray everything down with your cleaner of choice. Mine is CLR Kitchen and Bath. Then you will start to clean one thing at a time usually letting the grossest things like your shower and toilet soak a little longer. Then after several minutes you might decide to walk into the shower to clean the walls before you clean the floor because, you know, it just makes sense to go from top to bottom. Well, that might cause your foot to slip right out from under you and even though Mr. Clean looks strong he will not come out of his magic eraser to save you. That will cause your life to flash before your eyes and you will see yourself in the emergency room with a broken head, back, arm or other limb. If you're lucky, your arm might get caught on the faucet which might save you from falling but will leave you with a nasty bruise. The downside to that though, may be that the faucet will bend ever so slightly so it makes it hard to turn on the water. Which will cause your husband to have to do some plumbing. Your manly husband might then whimper and say something like "I hate plumbing". That might lead to some colorful language spoken by your normally calm husband when said plumbing does not go as planned. It will not make things better to say something like "but we have a clean bathroom" because at that moment your husband will wish that he had a dirty bathroom with no plumbing problems. He might even say something like "honey, why don't you just stay in bed next time you get the urge to clean" or "just leave the shower to me next time, it's too dangerous for you to clean." You will be more than happy to oblige because after all, wasn't that your plan in the first place? To try and figure out a way to get your husband to clean the bathroom?

You're welcome!

My Life Purpose Stinks

Last night Carson came into my room saying "ow" and holding out his hand. My job in that situation is to kiss it and make it better so I did. As I was kissing the injured finger I got a whiff of poop. Oh, and did I mention that when he came into my room with his injured finger he was completely naked?! I quickly came to the conclusion that the naked boy and poop smell were a cause for alarm so I sent Carson to the bathroom and asked him what he did with his clothes. He doesn't speak very clearly but from the inflection in his voice I determined that he said "I dunno!" So off I went on a hunt through the house looking for clothes with poop on them. I found them upstairs in the bathroom. Phew! No poop stains or smears anywhere but the bathroom. Bless his heart, he had tried to clean up his mess. He had swished his poopy underwear in the toilet just like his mommy does (because I have a voice running through my head that sounds an awful lot like my husband that says we can't throw away those underwear we must wash them!) It made me smile to think of how thoughtful Carson was to clean up his own mess......until I realized that the little hand I had just kissed had been swishing poopy underwear in the toilet only moments before it touched my lips. That's when it hit me. I have been wiping poop from bottoms for over 18 years. That is my purpose in life...to wipe bottoms. I just have to say...my purpose in life stinks!!

Happy Anniversary Rico

This is my first husband. His name was Rico Suave. Tragically, he disappeared in a shaving accident soon after we were married. He was such a romantic, always bringing me flowers and cards, taking me to Broadway plays where we sat right up front, taking me out on dates. We were so happy.

I met Gary the day that Rico disappeared. They were so much alike except Gary didn't have a mustache and was much more practical. I was pregnant with Christopher at the time so it was very important to Gary that we save all of our money. No more dates, flowers or plays. He even decided that it would be a good idea to use the money his parents gave us as a wedding present (to go to Hawaii) to remodel our kitchen.

Sometimes, I think Rico has come back. Like one day Gary called just to see how I was doing. I was thinking "how sweet of him" when I heard the toilet flush. "Are you in the bathroom?!" Then he swept me off my feet when he said he thought he'd call while he was taking a potty break. "You know me...I just thought I'd kill 2 birds with one stone." No more romantic words have ever been spoken!

This past Monday we celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary. I have a vase full of beautiful yellow flowers sitting on my table and a nice card sitting by my bedside. The best present Gary gave me though, was when he said that I could sleep in while he got the kids ready for school. I have never received a nicer present. He even surprised me by letting me sleep in every day this week. I am so spoiled!!

Happy Anniversary Rico. I hardly missed you at all this year.

I Didn't Know He Got Shot That Soon

Friday night I walked into the living room just as Carson witnessed his very first assassination. Ghandi was shot while my cute little innocent boy watched. He did not protest as I rushed him out of the room while glaring at my husband. Carson was looking a little sleepy (or traumatized, I'm not sure which) so I got him ready for bed. He snuggled in bed while I rubbed his back and watched his cute little eyes roll up in his head and then close...for about 5 seconds. Apparently, that was enough sleep for him. Next thing I knew, he had crawled under the covers to the end of the bed, poked his little head out and said "hi mom"! I think someone put Red Bull in his juice! Within 5 minutes he had gone from snoozing to jumping and throwing himself onto the bed in fits of laughter. I finally had to resort to drastic measures. I put on my pjs, turned out the lights, and climbed into bed. So much for a little computer time, that kid had worn me out. While Ghandi blared in the background I bored him to sleep.

Monday To-do list: Get Gary and Chris' hearing checked. Throw out the TV. Find out what's in that juice.

Remember Who You Are

Dear Heavenly Father,

I'm angry today. It all started last night when I told Gary what he would be doing for the weekend and he said something like "if I had said that to you..." which of course is right, but how dare he call me on it. So, I quit talking to him for the rest of the night. I also did not fold his laundry! So there! This morning I woke up in a mood. A get-out-of-my-face-leave-me-alone-get-yourself-ready-for-school-or-else kind of mood. No one in this house gets my mood language though so after getting the kids on the bus I left. As I left, I asked Gary to please not lock the door when he left because I didn't have a key. He YELLED...JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, I'LL LEAVE THE BACK DOOR UNLOCKED. Thanks dear, now everyone in town knows our back door is unlocked. I went for a walk with my sansa clip playing Mercy River. Surely they could lighten my mood. Not today, so I got mad at them too and turned.them.off! I listened to Brad Paisley sing "Online" instead. Humph!

As I walked, I made a long mental list of why my life stinks. Count my blessings...hah! Counting life's gross injustices is so much better in these kinds of situations. I listed every bad thing I could think of from being depressed ALL MY LIFE to the fact that at one point I had red hair, freckles, glasses, aannnd braces all at the same time! Come on! Really?!! Some people had braces but were beautiful blonds, some had freckles but they were cute little ones right on top of the nose. Was it really necessary to put the top 4 curses of childhood all on one little body?! Then, the "cherry on top"?! Make her a social outcast and put her right smack dab in the middle of two beautiful and talented sisters! Not nice...not nice at all.

The next thing on my list? I am such a horrible person that no one even wants to be my friend. Why can't I have just one good friend? Someone that will go with me to the mall and tell me what not to wear?! I'm not asking to be popular just one good friend?! I mean, I know I'm cranky and sad all the time but isn't there one person that could love a grouch like me? Even Oscar (the grouch) and Eeyore (the donkey) have a few good friends. I know...to have a friend, you have to be a friend. Blah, blah, blah.

Couldn't I at least have a talent or two? I know I can paint, and sing, and play the piano. Everyone can do that though. I mean a really good talent. Something that would make people take notice and be amazed! My sisters have talents like that, why couldn't I?!

Oh, and while we are on the subject of me...couldn't I have a naturally fast metabolism? I want to eat chocolate and unhealthy food, not exercise, but still be skinny. Workout?! I don't want to have to workout! Can't you do this one thing for me? You know since You "shortchanged" me on everything else!

I also want to be the most spiritual woman at church. Praying and reading my scriptures? I have to do that? Why? Can't You just give me that knowledge? I pray sometimes, like right now when I'm angry. You want me to serve others?! Even Gary and the kids? Do you see how they treat me?! I don't see the point! I can see this little chat is getting me no where. I'll just go back to my list of why my life stinks. AMEN!

Dear Shanon,

Since you didn't take time to listen for an answer to your prayer, I will try to reach you some other way. Maybe while you are on Facebook, I can get your attention with the LDS Seminary link. There are a couple of good Mormon messages you need to hear.

I love you dear daughter of mine. Heavenly Father

I have no other words, except I am humbled and grateful.