Celebrate

We were invited to party until midnight then we were uninvited.

Gary and I did the happy dance because everyone knows that the best way to celebrate new year's is to stay home in your pjs, write a few blog posts, watch a few old movies, eat lots of snacks and go to bed by nine! We told the kids we were going to make out on the couch all night. They said "ewwww" and made plans to be other places! Now we don't have to share the couch or tell anyone to be quiet! Oh, and we don't really have to make out! Shhh...don't tell the kids our secret.

This might be the best night ever!

Happy New Year everyone!

Goodbye World

A few weeks before Christmas my ovaries exploded. Or my kidneys were failing. Or I had stomach cancer. Or uterine cancer. Or I had colon cancer, they would have to remove it and I would have to wear one of those bags on the outside of my body that catches all my pee and p....

Anyway...you get the idea. I was dying. Oh and I get all my information from google!

I don't like to die quietly so I kept moaning and groaning and complaining to Gary. Every night I would tell him that I would probably die in my sleep (and I may have said something like "HA HA! it serves you right!") He finally suggested that maybe I should go to the doctor. "What?! I can't go to the doctor! It's two weeks before Christmas!" He obviously was not getting my point.

You know why I couldn't go to the doctor, don't you?!

Anyone that listens to Christmas songs knows why you don't go to the doctor right before Christmas. If I went to the doctor, he would tell me that I was dying. Then I would take a turn for the worse and on Christmas Eve, my children would be in a store looking for red Christmas shoes so I would be pretty to meet Jesus and they wouldn't have enough money to pay for them so they would have to beg a grumpy person to help. Of course, his heart would be softened (which I guess is good) and he would pay the difference. The grumpy man would go home and write a song about the experience and my kids would get home just in time to put the shoes on my feet before I kicked the bucket.

AND...

every year after that they would burst into tears every time they heard that song about someone being missing this Christmas!

I just couldn't do that to them!

SO...

instead, I whined all during Christmas break. I still haven't gone to the doctor and I still am dying.

OR...

it might be that I hurt my back when I hauled all of the Christmas decorations down from the attic.

Hopefully, I will be around next Christmas. I doubt it, though, because did you hear the latest?!

I'm dying.

BUT....

at least I'm not dying on Christmas Eve!

What's on my mind....ummm, I can't remember

A few nights ago, as I was brushing my teeth, I had a brilliant idea for a very funny blog post. I don't know about you but I get my best ideas when I am brushing my teeth. Anyway....I thought I should probably write it down but I decided it was so wonderful that I would remember. Ha ha ha! Five minutes later, I couldn't remember my name much less my thoughts. Oh well...trust me. It was great. Too bad I can't remember it.

I went to bed kind of early one night last week. Gary was still on the computer, so the lights were on in the bedroom. These are the lights that I swear are burning holes in my retinas even with my eyes closed. He would have turned them off if I had asked, but I would rather be a martyr. I woke up at about 12:30 with a raging headache. I blamed the darn lights which were STILL on. I was mad at Gary for being so inconsiderate even though he wasn't trying to be. I got up to get a drink of water and he followed me into the kitchen. He wanted to make sure I didn't trip over the bike that Carson got for Christmas. I rolled my eyes and went back to bed annoyed. A few minutes later my head felt like someone was drilling into it so I decided to go take an Excedrin. Back I trudged to the kitchen. Gary didn't follow me this time. When I got back to bed, I said something sarcastic like "boy, that was a close one. I'm lucky to still be alive after taking that SCARY trip to the kitchen!" Yeah...sometimes I can be nasty. A few minutes later the caffeine kicked in and the headache went away. He was snoring by this time. He's lucky I didn't smack him...I'm considerate like that. I was up the rest of the night but I got all the laundry done! I finally fell asleep on the couch at about 6 am. A few minutes later Gary came in and woke me up. He thought I might be more comfortable in my bed and he was going to turn on a movie for Carson so that he wouldn't bother me. I gave him the stink eye. He leaned in to kiss me goodbye because he was going to work. I resisted the urge to smack him. I didn't even say anything mean! See how considerate I am?!

Oh...never mind! I know...I'm evil!

Maybe Evil Shanon will be nicer next year.

What?! It could totally happen!

Confession

I'm just going to come right out and say it.

I love Rob.

Who is Rob, you ask?

Oh, he's just a guy I met at Home Depot.

It all started on the night before we were to leave for a two-week vacation to Utah. I was doing some last minute cleaning and mopping. I don't know why, but when we are here all the time I don't feel the need to mop the kitchen but if we are leaving for an extended period of time come heck or high water this house WILL BE CLEAN!

The faucet in the kitchen had been leaking all week. Gary decided he needed to fix it before we left. Did I tell you we were leaving for two weeks and that I was frantically cleaning and mopping? Did I mention that it was already midnight and we were supposed to leave really early the next morning? Plumbing and lack of sleep make my normally patient husband really stressed. He always goes a bit insane when he is really stressed. I, on the other hand, am always insane so it was like the perfect storm. I made a few suggestions on how to fix the faucet, he became more annoyed, broke the faucet and then just shut off the water completely. While I was still cleaning the kitchen. Grrr!

We decided to just call it a night when the fiery darts started flying out of my eyes. Early the next morning (an hour or two later than we planned), we left our house and forgot all about that broken faucet. We had a wonderful vacation visiting family and friends.

Two weeks later, when we went to clean the kitchen our first night back, we remembered! We had to haul hot water in from the bathroom to do the dishes because turning off the water included the water to the dishwasher. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I started looking on the internet for a new faucet. Those suckers are expensive! I started seeing $300 fly right out the window.

The next morning, I decided to take the faucet apart to see if it could be fixed. I discovered a tiny piece of plastic that had broken (while insane Gary was working on it). I took all the pieces to Home Depot to find a new one. I searched all over, couldn't find one and had instead picked up the only faucet that would work on our sink ($250). Just as I was leaving, I got brave and asked a lady that worked there if she knew if they sold that tiny piece of plastic. That's when she introduced me to Rob (insert heavenly chorus). He told me about a plumbing store that would have the part. He even gave me directions (swoon)!

I met Gary at work and we went to the plumbing store together. Hello! I am a big baby through and through. I used up all my braveness at Home Depot. Anyway....we found the store and the part. It cost $2.50! Gary was so excited that he bought me lunch.

I came home and put the faucet back together. It worked perfectly! The kids were all amazed. One of them even said that I am a much better Mr. Fix-it than Dad.

Oh, and Gary was thrilled. He loves it when I fix things around the house and he doesn't have to do it. Especially plumbing.

He hasn't said it out loud, but I think he loves Rob, too.

The stars at night were big and bright

da.da.da.da last night inside my bedroom...

after Gary decked me in the middle of the night with his elbow. It was just like the cartoons. I saw stars. Ouch! How much room does he need? We have a king size bed for heaven's sake.

I woke up with a headache so I took an Excedrin. A jolt of caffeine in the morning was just what I needed to get things done. I folded at least 10 loads of laundry, vacuumed the house, cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen and mopped all of the floors by 10 am.

Did anyone hear the big kaboom this afternoon?

That was me crashing.

Koolaid, Fun Dip and a Camel

Once upon a time there was a mom and dad who were wishy, washy about allowing sleepovers. The children in the family could sense this and POUNCED! Before the parents knew it, there were extra children in the house every weekend. On one such occasion, the friend brought over a quart size ziploc bag full of red Koolaid powder. Sometime during the night, the children accidentally spilled the powder on the carpet and panicked. They didn't want to vacuum the house in the middle of the night so the friend got the brilliant idea to get a wet washcloth and scrub it really good. Any guesses on how that worked?

The mom found the giant red spot on the carpet the next day. She pulled out the carpet cleaner and prayed that the spot would come out. Red Koolaid does not come out of carpet. The mom told the dad, who got really upset. The children were puzzled at the reaction. "What's the big deal, Dad?! It's just carpet!" Cue lecture #301 - "Carpet is expensive and you have ruined it." Oh, and lest you think that the mom did not get angry, she did. She just shows her anger by mumbling under her breath and sending death glares to her children.

Shortly after this incident, the mom and dad sent out a decree that there would be no more sleepovers or Koolaid in the house ever again.

The end.

What about the Fun Dip and camel, you ask?

On Halloween, a very nice lady at church gave the daughter a giant bag of Fun Dip candy. The daughter was very excited until the dad declared that the Fun Dip would be taken away because of the Koolaid incident. She would be able to eat it but only outside away from the carpet. This caused all of the children in the car to revolt. They even went so far as to tell the dad he was over-reacting which sent him into lecture mode. This conversation started in the church parking lot while the mom was still inside cleaning up. When mom came out to the car, the Fun Dip War had broken out and accusations were flying. The fun conversation continued on for several minutes while the mom tried to retreat to her happy place where children are perfect.

Just as the mom was starting to think that throwing herself out of the speeding car would be a good option, the family passed a camel parked on the side of the road. The mom, who thinks she has now lost her mind says "did we just pass a ...." and the dad says "camel?!" The mom thinks, "well, I was going to say elephant, but I guess that IS a camel!" So the grumbling stops when the mom asks if any of the children saw the camel. All of them start talking about the camel except the most stubborn one who is still hung up on the injustice of no Fun Dip in the house. About 30 seconds later he says "camel? what camel?!"

The stubborn one starts complaining about missing the camel. The pushover dad, who knows when to pick his battles, goes back so that everyone can see the camel. Phew...the war is over! Who would have thought that a camel would save the day?!



The End

He married me for my vote...

I like to vote for the person that Gary didn't vote for. You know, to cancel out his vote. It drives him crazy.

I'm kidding. I would never do that!

Speaking of voting. I voted today.

It was traumatic, as usual.

I don't like to put myself in situations where I don't know what I'm doing. It seems like every time I go vote, they have a different machine. I'm from the "hanging chad" state. I can't remember how to use these new fancy machines but I said "I'm sure I can figure it out." The voting worker wanted to explain it to me anyway. I listened to all of her instructions. She made sure to tell me that I had to go all the way to the end. I went all the way to the end and the light started blinking. I thought that meant I was finished. As I was leaving I said something about the flashing light. One of the workers went to the booth and called me back. Apparently that red flashing light is saying something like "push me, you moron!"

I blame the worker. Her emphasis was on going to the very end. I didn't remember the "push the red button that says VOTE" because I kept thinking "I must go to the end!" Then there was the lady next to me telling another worker "Oh, I've used this machine at least three times" like she should get a medal or something. Can you see how I got distracted?!

So, anyway, go vote...it's important. If I can do it, you can do it. Oh, and when that button up at the top of the booth starts flashing red lights at you, push it. You can thank me later.

Sigh.....I really miss the hanging chads.