I expect to see this on Pinterest soon

There are few things worse than walking into the bathroom after someone has "done their business" and clogged up the toilet but doesn't bother to tell anyone.  This happened at our humble abode today so I went seeking out the child responsible for such atrocious behavior. 

Let's just say that summer has put me on edge a bit and I have lost all patience for messy children.

I found the person responsible and told them to go plunge the toilet but they said they didn't know how.  I had one teenager that knew how to plunge a toilet and two that didn't.  I decided that the best thing to do would be to have them all learn how and had the the teenager that knew how to do it, teach the ones that didn't.  After much weeping and wailing and knashing of teeth, I came up with this, what-I'm-sure-will-be-famous-any-day-now quote:

Teach a girl to plunge and she will plunge for herself, plunge for her and you will be plunging for her the rest of her life.

Okay, go forth and Pin.

You're welcome!

Happy Anniversary Shanon!

Those of you who read this blog know that it is written by my lovely, talented, slightly quirky and very funny wife (yes honey, I have hacked into your blog). Tomorrow we celebrate our 21st wedding anniversary.  21 years is a relatively long time but it really doesn't seem all that long ago. I remember the day well, a beautiful bride, lost keys, close friends, family, posing for pictures, lots of green and mauve (such "in" colors at the time), a long line of well wishers, cleaning up (I will let Shanon explain that one at a later date, lets just say I was kind of a "duty freak" and really dumb).

A lot happens over 21 years.  Such as 5 children, several job changes, some health issues, 5 houses, 3 states, lots of good times, lots of tough times, and lots of driving kids around.  This list could be so long but as I sit here thinking about everything we have done together the time seems to have gone by too quickly.  I want it to slow down.  I like the journey we are taking and I like taking it with you.  It has made me a much better man than who I was or would have been without you.

So thank you Shanon for 21 excellent years! I would really like 21 more and then maybe 21 more after that.  Thank you for being my beautiful bride, a wonderful mother, my closest friend. 

Happy Anniversary sweetheart!

Love,
Gary

So be good for goodness sake...

A few weeks before Christmas, Gary committed the unpardonable sin of marriage.....he left the toilet seat up.

I know what you're thinking..."really, Shanon, is that all you have to worry about?!"...but if you had my bladder, that would be a big deal to you.

I came out of the bathroom complaining to him about how I had nearly fallen in the toilet because he didn't take the two seconds it would have taken to put the seat down.

I know what you're thinking..."Shanon, why didn't you take the two seconds to put the toilet seat down"...but if you had my bladder, you would know that I don't have an extra two seconds.

Then I decided to kick him. He said it was an awesome round house kick. I was aiming for the soft part of his behind but I quickly discovered that Gary has cat-like reflexes. Who knew?! He deflected my awesome kick and instead of my foot hitting the soft, cushy part of his behind, it hit his boney elbow.

I know what you're thinking..."gasp! Did she just say she kicked her husband?!"...but if you had my bladder, you would have kicked him too!

After realizing that a kick to the elbow is what broken toes are made of, I learned my lesson.

I know what you're thinking..."kicking someone is never the way to solve a problem"...atleast that's what my 16 year old daughter told me but if you had my bladder you would know that desperate times call for desperate measures!

I learned that next time, I need to remember to put my shoes on before I kick him.

I Laugh When I'm Nervous

Gary went with me to a doctor's appointment today. When we got there, the receptionist handed me one of those forms to fill out. You know the forms that ask you a million questions about your health? I handed it to Gary and said "here, this is your job today." He started filling it out while we were in the waiting room. A few minutes later, the nurse came out to get us. After stepping on the scale, checking height, and blood pressure, we were led to an exam room. Gary was still working on the form, and started asking questions.

"Are you having trouble sleeping?" I answered yes.

"Do you ever have feelings of sadness?" I answered yes.

He wasn't checking off any of the things that I was feeling so I asked him why he wasn't answering the questions the way I told him to.

All of a sudden, Jared says "Moommmm...this isn't all about you, you know?!"

"What?! What do you mean, it's not about me?"

He said "this is MY check-up!"

Oh...sorry! Then he said "I can tell Mom is nervous because she is cracking a lot of jokes."

I really think they should have checked MY blood pressure.

A Few Thoughts on Thanksgiving

A few days ago, Gary decided to ask the family what they wanted to eat for Thanksgiving dinner.

I immediately thought turkey but everyone else in the family said ham.

Ham?!

For Thanksgiving?!

Ham is an Easter food...maybe a Christmas food if you had your fill of turkey at Thanksgiving.

It is never the main dish at Thanksgiving!

That is against the law!

Do you ever see a cute pig come home in your child's folder with thankful feathers attached to it?

No!

It's always a turkey!

You are supposed to have turkey for Thanksgiving!

Guess what we are having for dinner today?

A traditional Easter dinner.

Ham and twice-baked potatoes.

Gary gave me my choice of vegetables.

How cruel is that?!

At least we get to have sweet potato casserole.

A word on sweet potatoes, though.

They leak more than regular potatoes.

That sweet potato juice doesn't smell so sweet when it is a big pile of charcoal on the bottom of your oven.

You pay a big price when you let your husband take over the cooking.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I Just Wanna Dance With You

When I was growing up, Saturday was the day we cleaned. My mom would put on some "cleaning music" and we would start working.

By-the-way, we were the only kids on the planet that had to do that or at least that's what I remember telling my mom. She didn't care that she was breaking the child labor laws, she made us clean anyway!

Over the weekend, I turned into my mom. I turned on the cleaning music and insisted that everyone that was home had to help clean our messy, messy house.

The music of choice was George Strait. There he was singing his heart out while I folded laundry. Gary looked over to ask me a question and noticed big crocodile tears falling down my face. I said "Can't you just see Lori and Steve dancing in the kitchen?!"

I cried for a few minutes while I thought about my sister and how much I miss her. Gary assured me that I would see them dancing again one day.

Then the song that they danced to came on. Carson agreed to be my dance partner.

I just wanna dance with you...twirl you all around the floor...

And, like magic, the sadness disappeared. My cute little dance partner laughed as he twirled me all around the floor. He healed my aching heart and put a new memory in it's place.

I Do These Things So That Others Can Learn From My Mishaps

Every now and again, I can convince Carson that he is tired and wants to rest. Our conversation usually goes something like this:

Me: Let's rest for a minute.
Carson: No fweep (sleep)
Me: Okay...let's just be quiet for a minute.
Carson: No fweep
Me: Pleeeeaaasssseee?!!!
Carson: No fweep
Me: If I ignore him, he will fall asleep from boredom
Carson: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......
Emily: throws the front door open and yells "I'M HOOOMMMMMMMME!
Me: sigh...

Sometimes, despite Emily's plot to keep the entire state of Texas awake, Carson is sooo tired that he sleeps through her greeting and takes an extra long nap. That happened the other day and at 5pm I was trying to wake him up so he wouldn't be up all night. He was too tired to wake up but then I noticed that the bed...my bed...was wet. I practically dragged him out by his feet so I could save the mattress from utter destruction. Luckily, although he might not agree, it was Gary's side of the bed :)

After I got Carson in the bathtub and put the sheets in the washer, I pulled out the green machine (carpet cleaner) and went to work on the mattress. It did a pretty good job although sometimes I think I might catch a whiff of odor but Gary says I have the best smeller on the planet so it might just be me. He thinks it's fine, I think it might be time to look into getting a new mattress. The good thing for Gary, though, is I hate going shopping so we will probably just live with it.

Anyway...sometimes when I use the carpet cleaner it takes me a few days to clean it out. Today I decided it must be done. I took the container of dirty water off and was walking to the bathroom to dump it in the toilet. In my head, it had a cap on it that you had to take off before you dumped it out. So I turned it over to look for the cap and dumped urine water on my legs, feet, floor, walls...everywhere but where I wanted it to go. Oops!

So, here are a few helpful tips:

The green machine carpet cleaner does not have a cap on the dirty water container so don't turn it upside down until you get to the place you are going to dump it.

Maybe make sure your child goes potty BEFORE he climbs into your bed to fweep!

Dumping urine water everywhere is a great way to motivate yourself to clean those dirty floors.

I hope you find those tips useful. You're welcome!