The Depths of Despair

At the end of August our church leaders asked us to fast and pray for rain. It had been a very hot summer with little rain. The area had very strict water restrictions, the lakes were drying up, the plants were drying up, the people were drying up...well maybe not the people, but it was hot and miserable. So our family, along with many other families, fasted and prayed for rain. A few days later the rain started falling, not a heavy downpour, but a gentle, steady soaking. Everyone was so grateful. I normally love the rain, but I started to have trouble coping with my days with the steady stream of rain.

A few weeks into the almost constant stream of rain, a friend of mine from church passed away. She was young, had a loving husband and three young children. It was a sad time for everyone. I was sad, I ached for her family, I also wondered why it could not have been me. I told my husband I was envious. She didn't suffer long, she thought she had the flu and that it would get better soon. She went to bed one night, had a seizure and never woke up. That's what I wanted to do. Go to bed and never wake up. Now I am not suggesting that that was the best thing for her family, I know they are sad and greiving the loss.

I honestly felt like if that happened to me, that would be a good thing for my husband and children. Maybe Gary could find a girl that would love my children, that she would be happy and enjoy this life like Gary does. Maybe my children would have a mom that would have lots of energy, want to do fun things, like to go out and do things and have adventures. Maybe they would have a mom that wasn't sad all the time.

The rain was still falling and I was falling deeper and deeper into a state of depression. I was decorating my house, I wanted it to be clean and organized and pretty. I wanted my husband and children to enjoy the home they were living in. I was even excited enough to invite people over to see what I had been working on. The closer it came to the actual day, I could hardly get out of bed. My kids loved the decorating and organization, but they didn't see the reason to maintain it. I was discouraged and didn't see the need either. I just felt like sleeping all day. I cancelled the lunch that I had invited people to.

I signed up for an oil painting class. I was hoping that would give me something to look forward to. I started dreading the class, because it was so much effort to get out of bed, get dressed, be prepared for class, and then my pictures weren't perfect so I got even more discouraged.

The rain was still falling and I had hit rock bottom. Simple things like taking a shower were too much of an effort. I would get up, get my kids out the door to school and then go back to bed. They would come home in the afternoon and I was still asleep. The sadness and loneliness were almost unbearable and I was still hoping that I would fall asleep and never wake up. Gary would come home at night, nothing had been done all day, there was no dinner on the table and I would be sitting in a chair in my room barely able to communicate except with a nod or shake of the head.

Everyone was so excited about the weather. It had started to get cooler outside. Fall had arrived. Everyone seems to love fall. I don't love fall. I want to love fall, I want to enjoy the new season, the holidays that are coming. Fall makes me sad. I don't know why, I used to love fall, but now it makes me sad.

I am blessed that I have a husband who supports me even when I have hit the bottom. He doesn't get mad when he comes home to a messy house and no dinner. He just does what he can to help out. I'm sure sometimes he wonders why he has a wife that cannot enjoy life. He offers suggestions that I never take, but I know that he loves me because he keeps coming home every night.

I have a good doctor that helps to adjust my medicine, I have a good therapist that trys to help me adjust my thinking. The medicine is easy, but I haven't learned how to turn off the recording in my head that tells me all day every day that I am stupid, lazy, fat, worthless, that life would be better for everyone if I just disappeared. I am working on that, but it's hard to change the way you talk to yourself and the things that I hear me saying are not nice. I would never say them to someone else.

Last week I woke up one day and didn't feel like going back to bed. I had the urge to tackle a project. I didn't do anything that day, but I felt encouraged by that feeling. I still have very low energy and sometimes I go back to bed. Gary has noticed a difference though. I smile more, I talk more, I even paid the bills last week.

When my sister had breast cancer, everyone rallied around her. She received letters, cards, meals, hugs. She had the support she needed, everyone was praying for her and her family. She loved people, she loved attention, it was so fitting that she had a disease that was out in the open for everyone to see. I am so grateful she had that comfort and support. When you have depression you suffer in silence most of the time. I try to put on a brave face when I go out. If someone asks how I'm doing, I usually say I'm fine. I don't like to draw attention to myself. I will say hi to someone, but I don't usually go out of my way to carry on a conversation with someone. If I do, I usually run the whole conversation over in my mind the rest of the day, trying to figure out if I said anything to offend. It is also fitting that I have a disease like depression. If you're really good at hiding things, no one knows you even suffer.

I feel like the sun is starting to peek through the clouds again. I feel better, I might even get up and do something (or maybe I'll wait until tomorrow). I still sometimes wish that I could go to sleep and never wake up, but not all the time. Small improvements are good.

Depression is hard to live with. I want to have friends, I want to have fun but rarely do I have the energy at the end of the day to do things. I have a friend that invites me to do things. Even though I usually say no, she hasn't stopped inviting me. I'm really grateful. It gives that negative thought in my head something to think about. I don't think it is easy to like someone that has depression. We are such downers. Everyday I wonder when it will go away. Is this just the trial I have to go through? Will I ever be able to enjoy life? Will I ever see the joy in the change of seasons? Will I look forward to Christmas? I hope so. I guess for now, I will look for the small improvements every day.

If you know someone with depression, go give them a hug. They won't tell you they need one, but they are probably telling themselves that they are a loser and no one would want to be their friend. Maybe your hug will be the thing that gives them courage to stick around for another day.