Thursday, December 6, 2012

Why Do We Have To Eat?

Alternative Title:  Why Are Grocery Stores Evil?
 
I went to the grocery store today.

I pulled into the parking lot and had my blinker on to turn down the aisle. This man in a truck came speeding down from the next aisle while I was waiting for another car to go by and then looked right at me before he took the parking spot that I was going to take. He did a fist pump (I might be making that up) as I drove by to get to the next parking spot that was 5 miles away. As I walked by him, I refrained from kicking him (blessings in heaven) but I did think about kicking him (lost blessings in heaven).

I walked into the store and there were two women sitting right by the door tricking people into signing up for $100 HEB gift cards. I didn't know how to refuse that (because I'm socially awkward) so I signed up for it and made the mistake of looking her in the eye and smiling. The tricky part was that they were from the Austin Statesman (stupid newspaper...how many times do I have to tell them I don't want it?) and wanted to know if I DID take the newspaper what would be the biggest reason. Note to self: next time say "to start a fire"...but I stupidly said "for the coupons". STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!!! Then I got the whole memorized speech about how much money you can save by spending $2.50 a week on the newspaper to get the coupons and also you can get the Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat newspapers FOR FREE!!! She neglected to tell me that we would be found dead in a few weeks buried under miles of stupid newspapers. I told her that I wasn't interested and she gave me the look. You know the look. The one that says "well...okay...my children will starve to death and end up in a homeless shelter...but go ahead and say that you aren't interested and make sure you have an enormous guilt trip while saying you don't have time to read the newspaper!!"

Then I went to the produce section and spent 5 minutes in front of the herbs looking for cilantro in the little pre-packaged bags but cilantro isn't in the pre-packaged bags it is right next to the parsley and looks exactly like parsley (they are both green and leafy) and people were getting annoyed with me because I was standing in front of the herbs for 5 minutes looking for cilantro while blocking the teeny, tiny aisle. Someone even said "excuse me!!" in a not so friendly way.  I saw some grapes and thought those would be a good snack but the package of grapes cost $6.98(!!!) so I put them back because $6.98 for grapes? Are they made of gold? They're just juicy raisins for heaven's sake!!  I came to terms with the fact that I could no longer afford grapes but luckily I found the cheap grapes and bought them.

I ventured away from the produce and I nearly got run over EVERY TIME I left one aisle to go to another one.  I ended up in the canned vegetable section at the same time that someone else did and she wanted food on my side and I wanted food on her side and of course she parked her cart right in front of the food that I wanted so I had to do a strange contortionist move to reach over her cart to grab the can of beans that I needed.
 
I managed to put the groceries on the check-out belt without incident until the bagger lady snuck up on me to pull a piece of paper out of the cart while I was looking at the magazine rack.  The cart started rolling away and I jumped to the ceiling.  Also, I thought about buying a magazine that had diabetes recipes but it cost $10!!  Didn't those used to cost $3.95?
 
Then I got stuck behind a sloooooowwwwww walking Asian grandmother shuffling out of the store but I didn't say excuse me!!! in a not so friendly way, I didn't run over her or give her an exasperated sigh and eye roll as I walked by (blessings in heaven!!) but I thought about it (lost blessings in heaven!!)  I managed to make it back to the car without getting run over or kicking anyone.

I survived with only a few heart palpitations and an enormous headache. Then I came home and made yummy dip for a party tonight which will probably cause me to have a panic attack and die of heart failure because did I mention that I am socially awkward.  Last year, I went to this party and ended up walking out during Jingle Bells because it reminded me of singing around the piano with my sister and I hid in the bathroom having a sob fest.  That wasn't embarrasing at all.  Jingle Bells?!!!  Really?!!!

My anxiety is well under control!!  Merry Christmas to me!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

I expect to see this on Pinterest soon

There are few things worse than walking into the bathroom after someone has "done their business" and clogged up the toilet but doesn't bother to tell anyone.  This happened at our humble abode today so I went seeking out the child responsible for such atrocious behavior. 

Let's just say that summer has put me on edge a bit and I have lost all patience for messy children.

I found the person responsible and told them to go plunge the toilet but they said they didn't know how.  I had one teenager that knew how to plunge a toilet and two that didn't.  I decided that the best thing to do would be to have them all learn how and had the the teenager that knew how to do it, teach the ones that didn't.  After much weeping and wailing and knashing of teeth, I came up with this, what-I'm-sure-will-be-famous-any-day-now quote:

Teach a girl to plunge and she will plunge for herself, plunge for her and you will be plunging for her the rest of her life.

Okay, go forth and Pin.

You're welcome!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Happy Anniversary Shanon!

Those of you who read this blog know that it is written by my lovely, talented, slightly quirky and very funny wife (yes honey, I have hacked into your blog). Tomorrow we celebrate our 21st wedding anniversary.  21 years is a relatively long time but it really doesn't seem all that long ago. I remember the day well, a beautiful bride, lost keys, close friends, family, posing for pictures, lots of green and mauve (such "in" colors at the time), a long line of well wishers, cleaning up (I will let Shanon explain that one at a later date, lets just say I was kind of a "duty freak" and really dumb).

A lot happens over 21 years.  Such as 5 children, several job changes, some health issues, 5 houses, 3 states, lots of good times, lots of tough times, and lots of driving kids around.  This list could be so long but as I sit here thinking about everything we have done together the time seems to have gone by too quickly.  I want it to slow down.  I like the journey we are taking and I like taking it with you.  It has made me a much better man than who I was or would have been without you.

So thank you Shanon for 21 excellent years! I would really like 21 more and then maybe 21 more after that.  Thank you for being my beautiful bride, a wonderful mother, my closest friend. 

Happy Anniversary sweetheart!

Love,
Gary

Friday, February 10, 2012

So be good for goodness sake...

A few weeks before Christmas, Gary committed the unpardonable sin of marriage.....he left the toilet seat up.

I know what you're thinking..."really, Shanon, is that all you have to worry about?!"...but if you had my bladder, that would be a big deal to you.

I came out of the bathroom complaining to him about how I had nearly fallen in the toilet because he didn't take the two seconds it would have taken to put the seat down.

I know what you're thinking..."Shanon, why didn't you take the two seconds to put the toilet seat down"...but if you had my bladder, you would know that I don't have an extra two seconds.

Then I decided to kick him. He said it was an awesome round house kick. I was aiming for the soft part of his behind but I quickly discovered that Gary has cat-like reflexes. Who knew?! He deflected my awesome kick and instead of my foot hitting the soft, cushy part of his behind, it hit his boney elbow.

I know what you're thinking..."gasp! Did she just say she kicked her husband?!"...but if you had my bladder, you would have kicked him too!

After realizing that a kick to the elbow is what broken toes are made of, I learned my lesson.

I know what you're thinking..."kicking someone is never the way to solve a problem"...atleast that's what my 16 year old daughter told me but if you had my bladder you would know that desperate times call for desperate measures!

I learned that next time, I need to remember to put my shoes on before I kick him.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

I Laugh When I'm Nervous

Gary went with me to a doctor's appointment today. When we got there, the receptionist handed me one of those forms to fill out. You know the forms that ask you a million questions about your health? I handed it to Gary and said "here, this is your job today." He started filling it out while we were in the waiting room. A few minutes later, the nurse came out to get us. After stepping on the scale, checking height, and blood pressure, we were led to an exam room. Gary was still working on the form, and started asking questions.

"Are you having trouble sleeping?" I answered yes.

"Do you ever have feelings of sadness?" I answered yes.

He wasn't checking off any of the things that I was feeling so I asked him why he wasn't answering the questions the way I told him to.

All of a sudden, Jared says "Moommmm...this isn't all about you, you know?!"

"What?! What do you mean, it's not about me?"

He said "this is MY check-up!"

Oh...sorry! Then he said "I can tell Mom is nervous because she is cracking a lot of jokes."

I really think they should have checked MY blood pressure.