Bad To The Bone

A few weeks ago, I decided that I was tired of being good. I told Gary that I was going to start living a life of crime and partying.

After giving me his standard "it's good to be good" speech, he showed me how concerned he was with my announcement by telling a joke. It was a bad joke...trust me on this. If you have to know, though, just ask him about the three guys in a jail cell. I'm sure he won't mind telling it again.

Anyway...he started making fun of me by giving me suggestions on ways to be a criminal. I told him that this was no laughing matter and proved it to him by committing my first crime. I cut the tags off of my mattress and pillows! So there!

He was shocked!

Right after that, we went on a little anniversary trip to California. While we were there we decided to go to a national park to see the redwoods. I picked up a pine cone and put it in my pocket so I could show the kids. When we got back home, I found out that you aren't supposed to take those from the park. Ha ha! My second crime! I could say that I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to take it, but really...isn't that what all criminals say?

I wanted to jump off the Golden Gate bridge because there was a sign that said "No jumping off the bridge" or some such nonsense, but Gary refused to stop and let me out. Then I tried to abandon my children but Gary threatened to call security if I refused to leave the hotel. As for the partying, I decided to go all crazy while I was on vacation. I ordered hot chocolate...with whipped cream! More than once!

You don't even know me anymore, do you?!

When we got home, I tried to be good, but then the air conditioner broke, the dishwasher broke, the car ended up in the shop, school got out....

Really?! Does it pay to be good?!

Then, last night, I snapped! I was headed out the door to take someone home and Gary said "drive safe!" I told him I was going to drive like a maniac just to spite him and did a little swervy thing after I pulled out of the driveway. When I got home, I stole half of Carson's Pop-Tart. I told myself he wouldn't miss it....he wouldn't know any better!

Can you believe how rebellious I am?!

This morning we were running late to camp and I couldn't think about anything except the fact that I hate running late. I was going too fast and got pulled over by the police officer that was just waiting for crazy moms of cub scouts that were driving too fast. Carson was sooo excited to meet the police!

I got my very first speeding ticket!

I've never gotten a ticket.

I could barely sign the ticket my hands were shaking so much!

I did what any self-respecting hardened criminal would do. I came home, called my husband and then I cried. Not teeny-tiny tears but big bucket loads of tears. Gary told me it was okay, we would take care of it...he still loves me! He even brought me flowers to help me feel better!

I don't know if I'm cut out for a life of crime and partying! What do you think? Am I too far gone? Do you think my next crime will be more serious? Maybe I won't be able to control myself and I'll rob a bank or something!

It's hard work being a partying criminal especially when you hate getting in trouble!

Oh, and is there anyone out there that wants to adopt a reformed hardened criminal?

I'm pretty sure my parents will disown me after they hear about this! My dad's a retired police officer who raised me to always obey the law and I disobeyed my mom by typing the h word...hate...twice!

They will be so ashamed!