Why Do We Have To Eat?

Alternative Title:  Why Are Grocery Stores Evil?

 

I went to the grocery store today.

I pulled into the parking lot and had my blinker on to turn down the aisle. This man in a truck came speeding down from the next aisle while I was waiting for another car to go by and then looked right at me before he took the parking spot that I was going to take. He did a fist pump (I might be making that up) as I drove by to get to the next parking spot that was 5 miles away. As I walked by him, I refrained from kicking him (blessings in heaven) but I did think about kicking him (lost blessings in heaven).

I walked into the store and there were two women sitting right by the door tricking people into signing up for $100 HEB gift cards. I didn't know how to refuse that (because I'm socially awkward) so I signed up for it and made the mistake of looking her in the eye and smiling. The tricky part was that they were from the Austin Statesman (stupid newspaper...how many times do I have to tell them I don't want it?) and wanted to know if I DID take the newspaper what would be the biggest reason. Note to self: next time say "to start a fire"...but I stupidly said "for the coupons". STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!!! Then I got the whole memorized speech about how much money you can save by spending $2.50 a week on the newspaper to get the coupons and also you can get the Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat newspapers FOR FREE!!! She neglected to tell me that we would be found dead in a few weeks buried under miles of stupid newspapers. I told her that I wasn't interested and she gave me the look. You know the look. The one that says "well...okay...my children will starve to death and end up in a homeless shelter...but go ahead and say that you aren't interested and make sure you have an enormous guilt trip while saying you don't have time to read the newspaper!!"

Then I went to the produce section and spent 5 minutes in front of the herbs looking for cilantro in the little pre-packaged bags but cilantro isn't in the pre-packaged bags it is right next to the parsley and looks exactly like parsley (they are both green and leafy) and people were getting annoyed with me because I was standing in front of the herbs for 5 minutes looking for cilantro while blocking the teeny, tiny aisle. Someone even said "excuse me!!" in a not so friendly way.  I saw some grapes and thought those would be a good snack but the package of grapes cost $6.98(!!!) so I put them back because $6.98 for grapes? Are they made of gold? They're just juicy raisins for heaven's sake!!  I came to terms with the fact that I could no longer afford grapes but luckily I found the cheap grapes and bought them.

I ventured away from the produce and I nearly got run over EVERY TIME I left one aisle to go to another one.  I ended up in the canned vegetable section at the same time that someone else did and she wanted food on my side and I wanted food on her side and of course she parked her cart right in front of the food that I wanted so I had to do a strange contortionist move to reach over her cart to grab the can of beans that I needed.

 

I managed to put the groceries on the check-out belt without incident until the bagger lady snuck up on me to pull a piece of paper out of the cart while I was looking at the magazine rack.  The cart started rolling away and I jumped to the ceiling.  Also, I thought about buying a magazine that had diabetes recipes but it cost $10!!  Didn't those used to cost $3.95?

 

Then I got stuck behind a sloooooowwwwww walking Asian grandmother shuffling out of the store but I didn't say excuse me!!! in a not so friendly way, I didn't run over her or give her an exasperated sigh and eye roll as I walked by (blessings in heaven!!) but I thought about it (lost blessings in heaven!!)  I managed to make it back to the car without getting run over or kicking anyone.

I survived with only a few heart palpitations and an enormous headache. Then I came home and made yummy dip for a party tonight which will probably cause me to have a panic attack and die of heart failure because did I mention that I am socially awkward.  Last year, I went to this party and ended up walking out during Jingle Bells because it reminded me of singing around the piano with my sister and I hid in the bathroom having a sob fest.  That wasn't embarrasing at all.  Jingle Bells?!!!  Really?!!!

My anxiety is well under control!!  Merry Christmas to me!