I had the unique opportunity to wake up Saturday morning in a very quiet hotel room. It was 8:30...woo hoo an extra 2 hours of sleep! Gary was still asleep so I decided to sit and write in my journal. Now you may think, wow what an amazing woman, she writes in her journal...I don't normally. I start a journal in January of every year (new year's resolution), I write in it for a few days, and then pull it out the next January. This year, however, I did not do new year's resolutions. I just didn't feel like it. So this was the first time I had written in 2009.
May 2, 2009
We went to the temple in San Antonio last night. We were invited to join in the endowment session that Jane Mackenzie was going through to receive her own endowments. We got there early so we were invited to be the witness couple. I kind of figured we would be...I can think of only a few times when we have not been asked to be the witness couple. I think Heavenly Father wants me to really pay attention! I tried to do a better job last night. I hope Phebe Withrow enjoyed her session!
I remembered that the last several months of Lori's life, she was not able to do things with her right hand. She was so faithful, even going to the temple when her body was giving out and she needed help to do the basics like getting dressed or tying a bow. While standing in the prayer circle, I saw the box with the names of those on the prayer list of the temple. I thought of how often Lori's name had been on that alter or one like it all over the world. She was even on the prayer list of the first presidency of the church. My first thought was why didn't prayer work for her? Why wasn't she healed or given more time? Didn't her small children still need her? I know, though, that those prayers were answered. She was given more time than her prognosis said. She lived two years with malignant tumors on her brain. She is now healed. Maybe not the way we wanted, but she is at peace. I am so grateful for that...maybe even a bit jealous.
When I was at the viewing for Lori we had lots of old friends come through. The girl that babysat us, old bishops, friends from the neighborhood and school. Lori's 5th grade teacher came. She was the one that taught Lori the states and capitols and Presidents of the US by singing them. It was amazing to see so many wonderful people that had helped and served us along the way. I imagine that is what the celestial kingdom will be like. A wonderful reunion of friends and family.
As I was in the celestial room last night, I looked around at all the people there. Lots of familiar faces, but we don't have much of a history with them. I still feel out of place here in Texas. I know it is my own fault. I need to get out more and be friendlier. I really stink at mingling and meeting new people. I wish I were more like Lori, she was always so good at meeting new people. They were drawn to her. She was able to make people feel at ease. I hope to learn how to do that one day. I need to be more willing to serve.
I was hiding out in a corner crying when the bishop asked "Isn't it nice to be here in the celestial room so close to your sister?" I lied and said yes. It was nice to be in that room. I really wanted to feel her there, but I couldn't. She must have been busy. I really hope she is happy. I wasn't sure what I was feeling...sadness, disbelief, loneliness. I also felt peace, happiness, contentment. The worry that I had had for five years (that my sister would die) was gone. It had happened and I had survived. I felt like I could breathe again, but wasn't sure if I wanted to.
Gary spoke to Donna Dewberry (or Newberry - I'm not sure) last night at the temple. She lost a daugther suddenly when she was in her 20s. A very special girl from what I hear. She said that her ex sister-in-law had just passed away from breast cancer two days ago. She was 40 years old. My sister was hoping to make it to 40, but missed it by about 10 months. I remember when I was youth age and we were told that we had been saved for the latter days. That we were a mighty generation. It always made me feel special and important. It made me want to try harder to be better. To make right choices. It inspired me to complete early morning seminary, to marry in the temple, to choose a faithful priesthood holder, to date safely and keep myself pure. It inspired me to go to church when I was in college and there was no one there to make me go. It inspired me to take my small children to church even when I wondered why I did this to myself every week. It inspired me to raise my son with special needs just like all my other children, only better. He doesn't like contention. When I raise my voice he starts to cry and I have to give him a hug and apologize. It's hard to have contention when you are hugging your special son who has a pure heart and loves with all his being.
So anyway, we are a chosen generation. There are so many of that chosen generation that have finished their earthly mission already and are working on the other side of the veil doing the Lord's work. I need to be better at helping do the Lord's work here. Sometimes that is such a daunting task. Life can be so challenging and I feel like there isn't much that I can contribute, but I know I am here for a reason so I will try to choose each day to endure well the challenges that come my way.
I have heard that my children's generation is a chosen generation also. They have been saved for this time. Sometimes I worry about the challenges they will face. I have seen though that Heavenly Father blesses his children. Maybe not in the same way we think we should be blessed but in the way He knows we need to be blessed. I have been given wonderful, talented, bright, loving children. My two oldest, Chris and Kinsey, have read the Book of Mormon more times than I have. Jared has a very strong personality but loves with all his heart and is always looking for the lonely child that needs a friend. Emily loves to help those with special needs. She has made friends with all of them at school and church. She is very loving and kind. Chris has faithfully attended seminary and has been a good example to those around him. He has an incredible knowledge of the scriptures. Kinsey has always been a peacemaker. She likes it when everyone is getting along. They have all been so kind to Carson. They help him and are always good about watching over him.
I love my family. I love that Gary is faithful and kind and loving. He has alot of responsibilities and a sometimes difficult wife, but he is always positive and has a wonderfully (sometimes annoyingly) optimistic outlook on life. I can never get him to talk bad about anyone...um...not that I would ever try to! Yes, he is as nice at home as he is at church and work, on a plane, at the store, everywhere. I have been told lots of times that my husband is so nice. He is! I love that my children are kind, responsible, loving, funny people. They have good hearts and fun personalities. I love the fleeting moments when Chris and Kinsey are discussing school, church or homework. I love that Chris can help everyone with their math and Kinsey can help everyone with their essays, typing papers and art. I love that Jared is always concerned about where everyone is and does the counting to 5 for me. That he still loves dirt, rocks, things that explode, and fire. I love all of the opportunities he gives our family to practice patience:) I love that Emily is dramatic. She teaches me how to talk to others. She has given me many opportunities to meet new people..."Mom, this is my friend's mom. Now that you've met her mom can I go to her house?" She is brave and kind. I love Carson. He brings a joy to our home that I didn't know we could have. I see the love of Heavenly Father every time I look into his eyes. It's amazing. He is so quick to forgive and so free with his hugs and kisses. A great example to wave to everyone and say hi. He reminds me that everyone needs a hug.
I am so blessed. I hope that I can always remember that I was chosen for these days. That Heavenly Father has given me what I need to live in these hard times. That I have been chosen to help raise up the next chosen generation!
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